Have you ever turned an old electrical switch on or off and accidentally lingered too long in the middle, hearing it arc horribly? That's the same thing that happens spiritually when we try to have one foot in God's territory and one foot in the world.

'Sitting on the fence' can wear you out, fry you and eventually burn you to a crisp.

Why Jesus?

"I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" - Revelation 3:15-16

But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." - Luke 9:62

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me." - Matthew 16:24

There's no denying it, Jesus was pretty clear about how much of one's heart a Christian should give to God. If you try to live both in the world and God's kingdom, it will tear you apart, frazzle you, fry your brain and will cost you dearly. Is that the condition you want to be in?

When I write these blog posts, I'm not sitting up here on my high horse, looking down my nose at you. I'm encouraging you and pleading with you as someone who has been there and unfortunately done that.

When I was homeless decades ago, I ended up in a relationship that I had no business being in. Shoot, I've been in a few relationships I had no business being in. Back during this homeless time, I had a form of religiousness but still acted like I was in the world. Let me take a small detour to explain what spiritual condition I was in...

ICOC
I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but I was part of a 'church' called The International Church of Christ, or ICOC. I got caught up in this organization because my second wife was involved in it before we got married. At the time, I did not have anyone in my life to mentor me in Christ and the hard-core principles of ICOC were both attractive and exciting to me. This group seemed to be 'all in' with Jesus and his teachings and I totally wanted to be a part of that.

Many in ICOC, especially the leaders, seemed to be super on-fire for Jesus, pretty much demanded members to completely throw themselves into Jesus and deny everything (and nearly everyone) else. Sounded great to me as I had always wanted to be as close to God as I possibly could be. Because I had not belonged to a 'mainstream' Christian church before, I was coming to ICOC with too open a mind and thought everything they were doing was fantastic. Since I didn't understand the total freedom God had given followers of Christ, I got trapped in ICOC and didn't realize it until much later.

You had to get the 'OK' from ICOC leaders before you could be baptized
Yep, believe it or not, if you didn't go through ICOC's 'First Principles' classes and didn't gain permission from ICOC leaders, you weren't allowed to be baptized. I know absolutely nowhere in the Bible where it says your church leaders must keep you from being baptized because you didn't take part in a ten step training class. Yuck!

Special offering
ICOC pretty much required that members give a 'special offering' every year. This offering was to be as sacrifical as possible which really stunk at that time because my second wife and I were almost always broke. Had I really known the Bible back then, I would have seen what Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 8:12 "Whatever you give is acceptable if you give it eagerly. And give according to what you have, not what you don’t have."

"If you're not part of ICOC, we're not sure if you're going to Heaven"
While I can't remember if this was said outright, it was pretty much implied that if you weren't part of ICOC, you may not make it to Heaven. Boy oh boy!

"You're not allowed to date anyone outside of ICOC"
Leaders made it very clear that if you dated anyone outside of ICOC, you'd be warned, and if you still didn't stop, they'd excommunicate you. People outside of ICOC weren't 'on fire' enough for the Lord and that meant you'd be unequally yoked. Ouch!

If you didn't show up to church, 'church' would come knocking
In a normal Christian congregation, if you don't show up to church one day you might get a text, a phone call or a gentle query the next time you show up asking if everything is okay. With ICOC, if you missed church and didn't clear it with your immediate leaders ahead of time, they'd be knocking on your door later that day, walking around and peering through your windows to see what's up. I can only guess that they were this forceful about your attendance because they didn't want to get 'counseled' by their leaders if they were to lose members under their watch. At ICOC, 'numbers' were a huge deal, and if they started dropping, someone was gonna get an unpleasant talking-to!

"How many people did you invite to church this week???"
Nothing motivates a believer in Christ more than someone brow-beating you every week about how many people you invited to 'church' </end sarcasm>. Yes, Jesus did command us to make disciples of all nations, but this is to be done through true love for the unsaved and the power of Holy Spirit, not by trying to make certain man-made quotas. I was often made to feel bad about myself because I usually didn't bring anyone new to church. My then-undiagnosed autism made it near-impossible to chat up strangers, and when I did, it usually ended in disaster.

And on and on it went. The 'rank and file' ICOC members were mostly folks who loved God and wanted to please Jesus but who unknowingly gave up their freedom in Christ to appease their leaders. It was man-pleasing at its worst. True freedom in Christ was denied to ICOC members and you either got on-board with the program, left ICOC and were scorned or you were excommunicated.

I eventually ended up leaving ICOC when my second wife forced me out of our home when I was in the midst of a horrible depression. Despite trying to come back home, I was denied access so I ended up on the streets. Not only was the home I shared with my family now off-limits, I was kept from experiencing the birth of my fourth child. Shivering in 19° F winter nights in my car, I had no choice but to undertake a long and tearful journey hundreds of miles away to my parents' home in the Pacific Northwest.

All that to say...
So, anyway, that ICOC detour was to help explain where I was at in my walk with God. I was homeless because my attempt to reconcile with my estranged second wife failed. I had stayed with other family for a while but I had to leave when they couldn't afford to house me anymore. I was living in my car, eating Tums for food until those ran out. I was in a bad spot. Shortly before my homelessness, a woman I had met online invited me to visit her. After a gift of some gas money from a friend, I ended up driving to this woman's home, eventually starting a relationship with her. Unfortunately, it started with physical intimacy.

As the years went on, I stayed in this relationship, still being physically intimate but not married and still thinking I could somehow please God. I mistakenly thought that "God understands my situation, he'll be okay with this". Um, no. It was true that I had really given my heart to Jesus and was legit baptized in his name years before, but I had a flawed understanding of my relationship with God. I was a firm believer in 'situational ethics' and the truth about being a Christian really hadn't taken root within me. I was a strange mix of the seed the farmer had scattered -- a little of the seed on the footpath, some of the seed in rocky soil and some seed that was scattered amongst the weeds. I was a hot mess and wasn't doing myself, or my fiance' any favors.

Becoming more frazzled
Like a person straddling a rapidily growing crack during a monster earthquake, I was growing more and more panicked. My anger and irritation grew. My frustration with life grew. The relationship I was in wasn't going in the direction I thought it should. Household drama flared and external problems increased. Customers were starting to leave me for other vendors. My car was constantly breaking down. The money I brought in didn't ever seem to go very far. My health was starting to falter. So many things were not going well and it was due to me being stuck in the middle, instead of being on one side or the other.

Eventually my fiance' broke it off with me and I was crushed. I left the apartment for a while that day and wept bitterly in my car. My tears were because of my failures, but also because my ex-fiance's young niece wouldn't have someone there to protect or care for her. Thankfully I still had a place to live, but felt like I was near the end of my rope. As I sat in my car, contemplating the future, some young man walked up and engaged me in conversation. I was irritated because I was deep in grief, but he ended up inviting me to his church. While I really should have taken him up on it, I was still deceived, thinking that I should try to go back to ICOC. Wow, how messed up I was!

Despite my stupidity, God still provided and was still caring for me, although I was quite distant from him at that point. I truly wanted a right relationship with him, but I kept getting in the way. Feeling lonely (and fleshly), I kept looking for another girlfriend. No one and nothing truly satisfied and I was starting to realize that continuing to live like this would yield nothing but more pain, frustration and misery. I was tired of being stuck in the middle.

Freedom found
After some time, I met my now current wife. We became friends first, didn't start with physical intimacy and instead shared a common love for God, for Jesus and his mission. As iron sharpens iron, my soon-to-be wife and I encouraged one another, and she demonstrated the true love that only Christ can give. Through her faith, I started to see all of the real freedoms that God gives us in Jesus, and one-by-one the shackles that ICOC and my childhood church experiences had clamped onto me were falling away. My current wife must have really thought my beliefs were a bit odd at first, but thanks to her patience and love, she pointed me to the cross of Jesus, where true freedom can be found.

Still learning
My wife and I have been married now for over fifteen years! We've had a lot of challenges, a lot of attacks and a lot of pain, but God has got us through it all. Every day I learn more about God and his mercy through Jesus. Every day I learn that being a follower of Jesus requires less of me and more of him. I've endured severe sickness, pain and been near death a few times now, but God is so full of mercy, full of love and goodness that he's kept me alive. With every hurdle, with every struggle I eventually learn something from it -- and if I don't? He's patient with me and often gives me new opportunities to learn like the loving Father that he is.

Now I'm no longer straddling the crack. I'm no longer on the fence. I'm no longer trying to 'game' God or manipulate him. I'm trying to walk with him, being by his side. I'm no longer stuck in the middle, no longer trying to keep a foot on both sides. I'm all-in with Jesus, and whatever that brings, I hope that he gives me the strength, the boldness and the love to get through it -- together with him.

God bless you, and thank you for reading!

About me
First and foremost I'm a follower of Jesus Christ. After that, I'm a blessed husband, father and grandfather. I do remote computer work for a living although it's mostly part-time. I'm an amateur radio operator - AF7EC. When I'm not working on the endless list of house and car projects, I like to tinker with electronics, like to listen to shortwave radio and write software (mostly open-source) in C, C++ and Python. I usually bounce around between macOS, Linux and Windows for support and development work. Overall, I am a big nobody, but always willing to share about Jesus and all that God has done for me and my family.

 

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