BrainOut!
The mumblings of a Christian autistic husband, dad, IT guy and amateur radio operator - Will Brokenbourgh / AF7EC
Nothing Satisfies Like Jesus
Years ago I could never get enough. I couldn't get enough money, couldn't get enough to eat, couldn't get enough porn, couldn't drink enough alcohol, couldn't get enough fame from the band I was in, couldn't drive fast enough. I was hardly ever satisfied. I was constantly searching for the next fix, trying to fill a space inside that never felt filled.
Before I truly knew Jesus, I tried cramming into my heart whatever the world pushed my way. My then-wife (now ex) always wanted more money, so I made it my life's mission to try to get as much money as possible. Money, money money. I worked long hours at work. I'd constantly play the lotto or buy scratch-offs. We'd go to Las Vegas or Loughlin. Though I really didn't know him well, I'd even pray that God would allow us to win the lotto. I was so brutally driven to get more and more money that I'd call my parents and ask them. It was an awful time in my life.
Whether you believe in God or not, he has created within each of us an empty space that only he can fill. I'm not kidding and I know from first-hand experience. No amount of porn, no amount of promiscuity, no amount of alcohol, marijuana or work could ever even begin to fill this 'God-shaped hole'. It's a sacred place within us that we can either ignore, try to abuse or actually fill with a right relationship with God.
Many in this world have grown up in dysfunctional families so it may be a difficult concept for some, but having a close and loving relationship with your parent or parents is so vital. Most parents put in an insane amount of time, energy, patience, sacrifice and love into their children. Children require a huge investment, and if parents are unable or unwilling to provide that investment, their children can grow up feeling abandoned, have an orphan spirit or even want to end their own lives. God created us to need our parents, but even more importantly, he designed us to need him. If our growing-up time lacked a close family unit, was filled with violence or sadness, we often resort to fake 'counterfeit' comfort from sex, alcohol, drugs or being a workaholic.
It's so sad that I wasted so many years chasing after things and people who were unimportant at best and damaging at worst. I thought that if the band I was playing in got successful enough, I'd have a happy wife, happy kids and a nice house. Instead, it lead to hours of driving from gig to gig, free beer for performers that helped fuel alcoholism and hours away from building a true relationship with my wife and kids. In the end being part of the band caused a rift in friendships and marriage when I made the choice to keep my job and work for my family instead of touring the US and eventually Europe. Even if I had stayed in the band, it never would have brought the happiness I was searching for.
When I wasn't unemployed, I worked long, hard hours during that marriage, and I have no idea where all of that money went. At that time, in that marriage, we never lived anywhere that anyone would call 'nice'. For a few months we lived in a proper house, but it was being sold from under us and we had to move in with family not long after. While I made a very good living, we often were sleeping in garages or spare bedrooms. Before long we'd wear out our hosts and end up hopping back and forth from one family member to another, sometimes renting an apartment until something came up. At one point I worked so many hours that it allowed my then-wife the opportunity to start talking to other men online and eventually cultivating the extramarital relationship that officially ended our marriage. Hard work and lots of money didn't bring my then-wife or me the happiness we were looking for.
While I wouldn't characterize my younger self as one who slept around a lot, I did seek physical relationships that either ended quickly, or were faulty foundations for marriage or long-term relationships. Before my current wife, every single relationship was founded on sex instead of Jesus.
"But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash." - Jesus - Matthew 7:26-27
Just like how the Bible warns that if we build a house on the sand that it won't survive heavy storms, basing your marriage on physical intimacy most often will fail. If that kind marriage does last, it will not be as satisfying and intimate as one based on Jesus. I can definitely and personally attest to that. Just like the band, hard work and money, no amount of non-marital sex brought the kind of happiness I was looking for.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
Your life, my life, the life of my wife and kids -- they are not an accident! Maybe someone wasn't the product of a planned pregnancy, but that doesn't make them a mistake. God purposely breathes life into every person who isn't stillborn. And yes, there are little babies that very sadly pass away not long after they're born, but even that very short life has a purpose that will change and touch someone else's life.
God is so wise, so loving and so powerful that he knows the beginning from the end. He knows all of the possible outcomes of all the decisions made by people. How in the world is this possible? We will never know until he reveals this to us someday. Just because we can't explain all of God's mysteries doesn't mean we can't trust him. It is supremely hard for some people to trust or even believe in God because they only see with their eyes, instead of by faith. As the Bible says, it's impossible to please God without faith.
"And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." - Hebrews 11:6
How long will you keep dragging through life before you realize that nothing will truly satisfy you like Jesus can? Do you want to feel satisfied, or are you content with lacking that all-important relationship with your Creator? Are the temporary things of this world enough to feel truly satisfied, or would you like to experience completeness and the pure love that comes from God? Please understand that I'm not nagging you or forcing you to follow Jesus -- no -- I just want the very best for you, and that's a real, sincere and intimate relationship with God!
The finest cuisine or the most successful high-profile business deal is really meaningless compared to the love and goodness of God. Hours of non-marital physical intimacy and blowing through thousands of dollars of illicit drugs or hard liquor cannot even come close to the wholeness and confidence that comes from having your heart connected with the Creator. Be truly honest with yourself -- you, me and anyone else on this planet are never going to be truly satisfied with the things we can touch, feel and see. Only the one who knows us from the depths of our heart to the soles of our feet to the tippy-tops of our head can heal, give life and satisfy. His name is almighty God and he wants a relationship with you.
I hope this blog post has blessed you, challenged you and helped you see the bigger picture. If you are tired of living a life that seems like an endless treadmill of broken dreams, empty relationships and loneliness, I encourage you to purchase an understandable translation of the Bible (NLT, ESV, etc), find a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christian church near you and see what this is all about. You may need to try a few churches before you find one that fears God first and foremost (instead of people), but don't be discouraged, and don't settle for less!
"Who do you think you are?"
Some people might wonder who I am and what gives me the right to write posts like this.
I am no one special. I blow it and make mistakes all the time. I am a
follower of Jesus, though, and want you to enjoy a tight relationship with our
awesome God instead of going through an empty life. How can I not write about
this? I am not a pastor, not a teacher, just someone who can't keep quiet about Jesus.
While autism often keeps me from communicating verbally in a clear way, writing
letters, notes and blog posts seem much more effective. So don't stress about who I
am, and instead focus on the perfect love of God!
God bless you, and thank you for reading!
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